This month’s story looks at a behaviour that can feel uncomfortable and even embarrassing for families: sexually inappropriate comments. Beneath the surface, however, we often find something much more human: loneliness, grief, and an unmet need for connection.
“George” lost his wife over two years ago. They had shared decades together: companionship, humour, routines, and a loving, physically affectionate marriage. Her death left a space in his life that felt impossible to fill.
When Inhibition Changes
Over the past year, George began showing changes consistent with frontotemporal dementia. His memory was slipping, but more noticeably, his judgment and impulse control were changing. He began saying whatever came to mind – without filters, without awareness of social boundaries.
When out at restaurants, he would comment loudly on how “pretty” the waitress was. Sometimes he would ask, “Would you like to marry me?” or “Give me a kiss… give me a hug.” He made similar comments toward his care aides.
To those around him, it felt mortifying. Some described him as acting like someone who is sexually uninhibited. The behaviour seemed crude, out of character, and deeply uncomfortable.
But as we always try to educate others, there is always a meaning behind the behaviour.
The Meaning Behind the Comments
In conditions such as frontotemporal dementia, the part of the brain responsible for impulse control and social judgment is often affected. The “filter” that once helped a person weigh what is appropriate and what is not begins to erode. Thoughts that would once have stayed private are spoken out loud.
But brain changes alone do not tell the whole story.
George is lonely.
He was accustomed to regular affection, touch, flirtation, and sexual intimacy with his wife. Physical closeness had been a normal, healthy part of his marriage for decades. Now, not only is he grieving her absence, but he is also losing access to sexual expression and emotional intimacy.
When George asks for a hug or proposes marriage to a stranger, it may not truly be about that individual.
It’s more likely he is seeking warmth, validation, connection, and touch, or perhaps having a partnership. The root of the behaviour is not predatory in intent. It is more about disinhibited grief.
Supporting with Dignity and Boundaries
In dementia care, sexualized or flirtatious comments are often met with embarrassment, scolding, or attempts to shame the person into stopping. Unfortunately, shame rarely resolves the underlying need.
Understanding the meaning does not mean allowing behaviour that makes others uncomfortable. Boundaries remain essential. His family and care team can try the following strategies:
- Gently redirect when comments began (“She’s working right now. Let’s look at the menu.”)
- Try to avoid triggers (people/places) if at all possible
- Offer appropriate physical reassurance through family touch – a hand on the shoulder, sitting close
- Increase structured social opportunities to reduce isolation
- Normalize affection in appropriate ways, such as hand-holding during walks
- Keep the person busy or engaged in other activities
- Avoid shaming or harsh correction
When care providers are able to respond calmly and consistently, the intensity often decreases over time. The goal is not to suppress the person, but to meet the need safely and respectfully.
Walking the Long Road of Meaningful Dementia Care
Sexual expression, affection, and intimacy do not disappear simply because a person is older or because they have dementia. When we ignore this reality, behaviours may emerge in ways that surprise or unsettle us.
As caregivers, we are called to look deeper.
When someone’s filter fades, their unmet needs often become louder. If we listen closely, we may hear grief. We may hear longing. We may hear the human need for closeness that has not gone away.
Sometimes the most powerful shift happens not when the behaviour stops, but when our understanding grows.
Let’s continue to educate ourselves about the many faces of dementia, including the uncomfortable ones. When we share these stories openly, we reduce stigma, build confidence in caregivers, and create a culture of compassion – one that honours both boundaries and humanity.
Every behaviour has meaning. Our role is to find it.
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DISCLAIMER:
This article is based on a true story; however, names, locations, and certain events have been altered to protect the privacy and confidentiality of the individuals involved. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
The contents of this blog are provided for information purposes only. They are not intended to replace clinical diagnosis or medical advice from a health professional.
