When it comes to arguments we all like being right. Even better, is when the person we’re arguing with acknowledges our ‘rightness’ – it’s the cherry on top of the argument sundae so to speak. Yet, an overindulgence of arguments, like an overindulgence of sundaes, comes with its consequences. To avoid them we have to be honest in asking ourselves – What is the intent or goal of the argument I’m engaging in? Is it merely to be ‘right’? Is being ‘right’ worth it when it comes at the expense of peace of mind?
These are the types of questions that bickering couples (which let’s face it are most couples) need to keep in mind, but they’re also helpful for caregivers to remember. When caring for someone with dementia who is exhibiting challenging behaviours, it can often be easy to fall into a cycle of seemingly never-ending arguments. This can be especially true when the individual with dementia is insisting that something is real when it really isn’t, or when they’re reacting to something as if it really exists when it really doesn’t. If you’re finding yourself constantly embroiled in these types of losing battles over what is real and what isn’t, first take some deep breaths and then try a more peaceful tactic: Therapeutic Reasoning™.
In the case of a lady I recently met (Marla) and her husband (George),Therapeutic Reasoning helped diffuse a tense situation that was on the cusp of an argument. While visiting the care home one day where George resides due to his progressive dementia, Marla noticed some worrying behaviour. George was frowning, pacing, and repeatedly calling out “Trouble!” At first Marla was perplexed, but then, after more thought, a lightbulb came on. After 68 years of marriage, Marla understood George well enough (even though he wasn’t able to effectively communicate as he used to) to know that this was how he would react in the past when he was working at a newspaper company and had trouble getting the paper machine to work. That day, he was reliving a past memory, or past anxiety, from his days as a pressman.
Having solved the mystery behind his behaviour, Marla had two choices. She could either argue with George by insisting that what he was feeling was based on a delusion, or she could go into his reality and use some Therapeutic Reasoning to gently reassure and guide him away from the stressful memory.
“Are you having trouble with the paper machine today?” she asked. “Yes!” he replied, relieved that she could finally understand him. “Well, I called the company, and your coworkers told me that you fixed it earlier and it’s up and running now. They’re very happy it’s working again.” With that George calmed down and breathed a sigh of relief, and Marla knew she had made the right decision.
According to Marla, it isn’t easy, especially after a 68 year marriage, to always avoid an argument or the urge to be ‘right’. It isn’t always easy resisting those sundaes I was mentioning earlier. However, by just taking the time to understand the meaning behind the behaviour and using Therapeutic Reasoning, as Marla did, you can veer away from stressful arguments and towards greater peace of mind for both yourself and the person you’re caring for.
