“Gordon” had always been a very active sportsman. He loved playing rugby when he was younger. He and “Thelma” had been married for many years, but several months ago, Gordon began showing signs of dementia. Until recently, Gordon lived at home with his wife, who was his primary caregiver.
As much as she loved her husband dearly and wanted to care for him, Gordon’s behaviour became too much for Thelma to handle. Gordon absolutely refused to shower or get cleaned up, which led to a lot of stressful arguments and fights. He would often yell at his wife, and this became a regular occurrence. Caregiving started to take a toll on Thelma’s health, so the family decided to move Gordon into long-term care (LTC).
The Bathing Battle Continues
The situation did not improve much when Gordon moved into long-term care. The staff tried various approaches to convince Gordon to take a shower and get cleaned up, but only with sporadic success, and not without a fight.
Thelma wasn’t able to visit Gordon at the home frequently, so the next time she saw him, she was surprised by how he looked. Gordon’s hair and beard had grown out, and he looked very unkempt and scruffy.
A Creative Approach That Worked
One day, while visiting Gordon, Thelma and their daughter, Angie, decided to try a creative approach—they would tell Gordon it was his “spa day!”
When they walked into Gordon’s room, with smiles on their faces and cheerful tones, they said, “You’re getting a spa treatment today!” To their pleasant surprise, Gordon seemed delighted with the idea!
Thelma and Angie began working on Gordon’s feet, soaking them in soapy water and trimming his toenails. They then moved on to his hands, cutting his fingernails. Everything went well, and they were able to give him a bath, cut his hair, and shave his beard!
They doted on Gordon and made him feel special, and he loved it! He enjoyed the attention.
From a tough, rugby-playing man, Gordon became compliant, docile, and happy!
The Meaning Behind Gordon’s Resistance
In talking more with the family and learning about Gordon before his dementia, I discovered that he had been an independent and active man. I also learned that, since he had played a lot of rugby, it was possible Gordon might be suffering from dementia related to chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE).
CTE is a condition caused by repeated brain injuries that can lead to the accumulation of tau proteins, which then clump together, choking the nerve cells (neurons) and causing them to die.
Although Gordon has not been diagnosed with CTE, it’s a possibility. Some of the symptoms of CTE include memory loss, depression, aggression, emotional instability, and dementia, to name a few. One way to manage CTE is through relaxation techniques, such as keeping a calm soothing environment, deep breathing and meditation.
It’s possible that approaching Gordon as if he were going to be treated to a relaxing spa experience helped improve the success in getting his cooperation to take a bath.
It’s also possible that, as a once active and independent rugby player, he didn’t like being told what to do (who does?). By informing him that he was getting a “spa treatment,” it made him feel like he had a choice in the matter, giving him a sense of independence and autonomy.
From Stressful to Joyful -The Benefits of Re-framing Our Goals
Although understanding the “why” behind a person’s behaviour and finding the most effective creative solution to manage that behaviour is not a one-size-fits-all approach and may not always work, it is well worth the effort.
It’s about re-framing our goals and shifting our mindsets. If one approach isn’t working, take a break, come back, and try again. If it still doesn’t work, try something else.
However, one thing to keep in mind is that just because someone has dementia, it doesn’t mean they are any different from anyone else. They still need and deserve respect, and their choices should be honoured. Whenever possible, we should give them a chance to feel independent and autonomous.
Dementia care goes far beyond meeting the physical needs of a person; it’s about nurturing the whole person—body, mind, and spirit. As human beings, we all know that our mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being are just as vital as our physical health. These aspects are intertwined and cannot be separated. When we approach dementia care with this holistic understanding, we honour the dignity, autonomy, and uniqueness of the individual.
By offering respect, compassion, and creative solutions, we empower those living with dementia to feel valued and connected, even in the face of profound challenges. It’s not always easy, and there will be moments of frustration, but the rewards are immeasurable. Every small victory, every smile, and every moment of connection reminds us that, at the core, we are all deserving of love, care, and the chance to live with purpose, regardless of our age or condition.
In the end, it’s the little acts of kindness, the creative approaches, and the deep respect for a person’s humanity that truly make a difference. Let us remember that in caring for those with dementia, we are not just supporting their physical needs—we are enriching their lives and nurturing their soul…as well as ours, their caregivers.
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If you found this article helpful and if you’re worried about a loved one or a friend and aren’t sure where to turn, you’re not alone. We’re here to help! Reach out, and together we can brainstorm solutions tailored to your unique situation. Start by visiting our website at https://dementiasolutions.ca/private-consulting/ to schedule your free 20-minute consultation with one of our experienced Dementia Care Advisors. We’re here to support you every step of the way.
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DISCLAIMER:
This article is based on a true story; however, names, locations, and certain events have been altered to protect the privacy and confidentiality of the individuals involved. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
The contents of this blog are provided for information purposes only. They are not intended to replace clinical diagnosis or medical advice from a health professional.
