Farah is in the early stages of her dementia. She has mild cognitive impairment, but she still remembers people and places. Farah’s daughter, Nina, has been experiencing exhaustion, as she is the sole caregiver for her Mom. In an effort to encourage Mom to go out and have some form of social engagement; and, give herself a break from her caregiving role, she took Farah to an adult daycare program, where I have been helping as a Dementia Consultant.
On the drive to the program, Nina wasn’t feeling optimistic that Mom would cooperate. Mom was already in a bad mood. She expressed clearly that she didn’t want to go and that she would rather be home.
When they arrived at the adult day program, Farah did not even want to get out of the car. She remained in the front seat with her seat belt on. Nina advised me that she felt that getting her Mom inside might prove to be futile. However, I knew enough about her Mom that I felt I could motivate her to come inside.
Body Language, Tone, and the Message We Communicate Matter
I decided to go out to greet Farah in the car. I approached her with a smile on my face and made a conscious effort to appear calm and speak in a soft and gentle manner.
Seeing me approach, Farah rolled down her car window. It was a good sign! I crouched down and asked her, “How are you?” To which, she responded in a rather straightforward and serious manner, “I’m fine, but I’m not coming in!”
Still, with a smile on my face and in a calm, gentle, understanding, and supportive tone, I said, “Oh, it’s okay if you don’t want to come in. Of course, I will be sad, if you can’t join us. I worked really hard to set up our baking activity this afternoon. If you don’t mind, may I ask why you can’t join us today?”
She responded, “I’m very busy! I have lots to do! I’d rather be home and do my artwork!”
I felt that I was making progress with Farah. She was communicating what was going on with her which gave me a little more idea about the reason for her behaviour. Putting myself in her shoes, I validated her by saying, “Thank you for sharing this. I don’t blame you for your reasons of wanting to be by yourself at home to focus on your art.“
What NOT to Do or Say in Dementia Behaviour Management
Just as I felt I was making strides with Farah, one of the staff came out and tried to convince her to come in. Her energy was high and her tone likewise matched her energy. She had good intentions. She wanted Farah to socialize with the other guests and she wanted Farah’s daughter Nina to get the break she deserved.
“Come join us! We would love to have you there! Besides your daughter needs to go shopping and she needs a break!”
As soon as I heard the staff say that, I knew Farah would put up her walls, as she did. She withdrew even further and insisted that she did not want to come in.
Thankfully, the staff left and I had another opportunity to speak alone with Farah.
Validating Someone’s Choices, Reasons, and Feelings Works
I once again validated and respected her choice.
I said, “I really understand why you would rather be home. Your artwork is important to you and of course, you need some time by yourself to do that. I was wondering though if I can ask for a small favor. I’m not a good baker and was really hoping to get your help today. I worked hard to set up for our baking activity this morning, maybe you can come to take a look and see what I’ve set up, and if you are not interested in staying, then no worries I’ll understand if you still want to go back home.”
To this, she responded, “Fine! I will go take a look!” (hoorah!)
When we got in, of course, everyone got excited and gave her a warm welcome. Farah immediately felt comfortable and ended up deciding to stay for the entire session, to her daughter’s delight!
What was the Reason for Farah’s Resistance?
When examining the situation more after the day was over, I felt Farah was resisting because she felt like she had not been given any choice in the matter. She felt that she was always being told what to do. When the staff made a comment about her daughter needing a break (even with the best of intentions), she felt that her daughter’s needs and feelings were taking precedence over hers. She felt her own priorities, choices, and feelings were not being heard or respected.
As a Dementia Consultant and Educator for over 25 years, I always remind people to remember and see the person behind the dementia. It’s always good to ask ourselves, “if it was me, how would I want to be treated?”
I would want people to hear and validate my concerns, understand my feelings, and respect my choices.
People living with dementia have the right to exercise their choices. We need to remember to ask and at every opportunity, offer them options and not ‘tell them what to do‘.
If you are struggling with a challenge in your caregiving role and could benefit from an outsider to offer you helpful solutions for your situation, please reach out and our Dementia Care Advisors will be happy to support you.
DISCLAIMER:
The contents of this blog are provided for information purposes only. They are not intended to replace clinical diagnosis or medical advice from a health professional.
