Lending a helping hand is a natural instinct. Whether it’s providing someone with directions, comforting a client who’s distressed, or opening the door for a person. In the case of ‘Emma’, a home support worker whom I recently advised in assisting her client (‘Anne’) with the simple act of tying her shoelaces. This simple act proved to be far more complicated than she anticipated.

An Act Of Kindness Misinterpreted

It all began when Emma noticed that Anne was struggling with her shoes at the front entrance.

Due to the effects of dementia, Anne couldn’t tie her shoelaces properly. That is when Emma happily stepped in to help. However, as she began to tie Emma’s shoelaces, she soon noticed an angry expression on Anne’s face.

As Anne became increasingly distraught, Emma knew she needed to change the mood of the room to a more positive one. She tried to distract Emma by discussing the nice pictures on the hallway walls.  This “distraction” didn’t seem to work. Anne still appeared upset. Emma then tried the strategy of singing since this sometimes puts some of her clients in a better mood.

Strangely the only tactic that worked to calm Anne was when Emma stood still and didn’t say anything.

After this incident, Anne remained somewhat upset with Emma. Emma was left feeling frustratingly helpless.

Putting Our Detective Hats On And Understanding The Triggers

The next day, Emma contacted me for some guidance on what she could have done differently. I suggested that we look more closely at the general question why Anne had been triggered in the first place. We explored what could be Anne’s dementia triggers. Emma and I needed to put on our detective hats.

During our discussion, it soon became clear that the primary reason why Anne was upset and being uncooperative was that Emma did not initially ask Anne’s permission to help her tie her shoelaces.

It’s likely that instead of interpreting Emma’s actions as helpful and considerate, they were deemed by Anne to be disrespectful. This also explained why Emma’s attempts to distract Anne proved fruitless—the missing step to understanding the ‘why’, the reason behind Anne’s angry behaviour.

Putting Ourselves In Our Client’s Shoes

With this understanding, I explained to Emma that if I were in Anne’s shoes (so to speak) the best way to shed her ‘enemy #1’ status in Anne’s eyes, would be to offer a sincere apology about not asking permission first before jumping in to help.

This would likely help to de-escalate the tension and, most importantly, demonstrate to Anne that Emma’s motive for helping was not to make her feel useless, but rather to show how much she cares.

I applaud Emma for the work she is doing and for reaching out to explore what could have been done differently. I also like knowing she has been using great techniques to keep the peace with her clients.

Essentially, when digging deep to understand the meaning behind the behaviour of our clients’ and then putting ourselves in their shoes to search for a creative solution, the goal is to have a happy conclusion for everyone involved. 😊