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Understanding The Trigger
We all know what it feels like to get triggered by something that seems out of sorts—whether it’s unwanted dust on a bookshelf, a clock displaying the wrong time, or missing buttons on a shirt. Solving these everyday annoyances can be simple when the problem is easy to identify, understand and articulate to others.
When thinking abilities and communication are hampered due to the effects of dementia, however, finding a solution may require a different approach.
A Unique Problem-Solving Story
A family caregiver (Kathy) recently shared her problem-solving story with me and how a bit of detective work, creative thinking, and some scrubbing of floors, helped ease her father’s anxiety.
“Can we get the floors replaced? We need to get the floors replaced!”
—this is what Kathy would hear regularly.
Living with her mother and father due to the COVID-19 pandemic, she would listen as her father, who has dementia, continually complained about the floors and the need to replace them.
At first, it was a daily topic of discussion, but as he became increasingly obsessed, he started mentioning it on almost an hourly basis.
Seeing her father so distressed worried Kathy, but she didn’t know what to do. The floors were not new but Kathy didn’t feel it was a priority given the current situation with COVID-19 condition.
Putting On Your Detective Hat
Asking ‘why’ when trying to uncover the meaning behind a behaviour is the first key step to finding a solution.
It’s about understanding that though someone may be unable to clearly explain what’s troubling them because of their dementia; it doesn’t mean that a concern or worry is purely a figment of their imagination.
People living with symptoms of dementia get triggered, just as we all do, but anxiety and frustration is always magnified when someone feels unheard.
Despite her father’s seemingly erratic behaviour, Kathy knew that a trigger was somewhere to be found—so one day, she got down on the floor and started scrubbing. At least adding a bit of extra shine could help, she thought.
Her efforts were not in vain—as she scrubbed the floors, she noticed, to her surprise, that a layer of wax and grime had built up over the years. Her father’s discerning eye had noticed what she hadn’t been able to at first.
Taking The Right Action
Having found the trigger, Kathy could now take action in solving the problem.
She used a special cleaning solution to clean off the wax and dirt and the floors were gleaming in no time. Much to her and her mother’s delight, her father was now at ease again.
Instead of writing off his concerns as irrational or unimportant, Kathy decided to try and hear what her father was attempting to say. She realized that his constant questions, anxieties and anger were not being triggered by his own mind, but by a real and tangible issue. He felt the floors were old and needed to be replaced. Now Kathy’s father no longer gets stressed when looking at the shiny floors, and they bring a smile to Kathy’s face too. 😊
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6 Responses
Thank you for sharing your story, I love that you managed to sort out what he was trying to say! I’m also trying to figure out what my Mom means when she constantly asks ‘should I be writing this down?’ when she watches every TV program. I hope I can be as fortunate as you to find a solution and bring her some peace as you did him.
Thanks for your kind comments Wendy. I’d love to support you with your mom’s changes. Something to keep in mind is that “there always a reason for a change of behaviour”. So for example in the case of your mom…perhaps she is asking this question because she is ‘worried’ she is going to be missing out on something? If this is her reason why…then perhaps you can assist her by helping her to not feel as worried about missing out. So next time she says, “Should I be writing this down”, my initial suggestion would be to say, “No, that’s okay mom. Don’t need it for this one…but I’ll be sure to tell you when you should be writing it down.” If she hears this statement from you often enough…she may start to feel more at ease knowing that YOU will tell her when it’s needed. This way, she doesn’t have to panic or worry. Keep in mind that I don’t know your mom. You know her best. This is just a sample idea if this is her reason why she is doing this behaviour. If you would like my support, then know that I’d be happy to provide you with this 1-1 support. 🙂 We can always arrange a phone call. Maybe try this idea out and let us know how it goes. Warmest regards, Karen 🙂
Thank you so much for the offer of support Karen, it really means a lot. I tried your suggestion tonight and not only did it seem to help her it helped me feel better about my response and I was able to repeat it without frustration over and over! I swear you are a miracle worker and I am so grateful! Not sure how long it will last but I’ll keep using it as long as I can! I will reach out for the 1-1 when I feel it’s time. Thank you for everything so far!! You make things seem so simple and easy I wish it came to me in the same way. So very much appreciated, Wendy
I love this story, thank you for sharing it. My dad, age 93 and diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, has a big worry. He obsesses over a house that he sold 40+ years ago. It was the house he was born in but that doesn’t come up when he’s worrying about it. What bothers him is his belief that he still has the key to that house and he isn’t entirely convinced that he sold it. He “remembers” putting the key on the ledge of a window and seeing a woman pick it up. He feels the key is somewhere in my mom’s car (it was his car until he could no longer drive) and he goes to the garage and searches for this house key on an average of 10 times a day. He talks about it constantly and it is causing a lot of stress for him & for my 88 yr old mother. Nothing has helped him get past this. Maybe someone here can help?
This is what we have done;
1. Assured and reassured him that he gave the key to the person he sold it to.
2. Listened to him for clues about what he is truly feeling and thinking. Much like the poster in this story, her dad was saying he wanted the floors replaced but what he was really trying to say was that he wanted them stripped down. My dad has a hard time articulating his thoughts into words as well.
3. I wrote him a letter as if I were the woman who bought that house 40 years ago. In it I thanked him for bringing me the key and for letting me buy this wonderful house. I made up a name for the return address and mailed it from the city where that house is.
4. I planted an old looking key in the car so he would find it and ask to mail it to the owner.
5. I’ve shown him pictures of his house from then and now.
6. Shown him the old deed to the house with his signature showing it was sold.
7. Explained that the new owner always gets the key to the house they purchase.
So many things and nothing has worked. He dismisses the ideas and in an hour or so he can’t remember them anyway. Poor guy, he’s such a sweetheart and it’s hard on him to be so uneasy and lost all the time.
Thank you for sharing your story, Amy and your creative solutions! I love the part about your writing a letter to your Dad pretending that you were the woman he sold the house to and you even mailed it to him. That’s just so heartwarming.
Your Dad does sound like he’s such a sweetheart. More importantly, it sounds like he is so well loved. Thank you for sharing. Wishing you and your family well. 🙂
Thank you, Maria. He is well loved and so very lovable.