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A Perspective From A Dementia Consultant

Finding the right timing to move someone to a care home is never easy. Sometimes people may wait too long or may feel it’s too soon. Several factors will need to be considered for each individualized case. Supporting families with this emotional decision has become a major part of my role as a Dementia Consultant.

For the past 2 years, I’ve been supporting the “Thom” family through their dementia journey. Like many families, they’ve had their ups and downs but it was slowly becoming difficult on the primary caregivers.

The husband who was the main caregiver to his wife, is in his 80’s also has his own health care needs. He had been supporting his wife of over 50 years through her stages and changing needs.

Their adult daughter, was taking the role as primary caregiver to both of her parents. She was doing all she could everyday to go over and help her parents with meals, cleaning, personal care tasks, arranging doctor’s appointments, etc. She was slowly burning out.

Several months earlier, the daughter and I talked about the fact that it may be time to consider a more suitable level of support for her mom. They had the Health Authority come in to conduct an assessment. The assessment verified that Mom indeed qualified for long-term care.

Since the assessment, the family wavered on whether or not they were making the right choice. When they finally received the call that a government bed was available…the distress suddenly became real.

“Are we doing the right thing?”

“Is it really the right time to do this?”

“How do we tell mom?”

“How do we get her there?”

“Is there an easy way to ease this transition for everyone?”

“What do we say to her after she moves?”

A Caring Support

I worked with the family on coming to the conclusion that this move was what they needed to do. It’s never an easy decision. Being an outsider, it was decided that I would have the most strength to help accompany Mom to the new home. We strategized on this plan with the goal to create an outcome with the least amount of distress for everyone involved.

After all was said and done and I safely brought Mom to the care home…and even though I was an outsider, I ended up in tears. I can only imagine what her other family members were feeling that day.

Reflecting back on the move day, I was blessed to have had the moments I shared with her, before Mom stepped over into her new home with more specialized 24-hour support. We sang songs of old that brought her happy smiles. It truly was an honour for me to do this difficult task for this family.

The “Perfect Time” to Move

During this short drive with this lovely lady…it validated to me that this move happened at a “perfect” time. I say this for a few reasons:

1. The husband’s health (physical and emotional) was on the decline since the first time I met him.
2. The daughter was overextending herself and giving all her time to be with her parents. She is practically there all day, every day, which was compromising her health and well-being; and, not to mention, her patience level was dropping.
3. Mom was starting to not recognize her own home and sometimes was getting mixed up with who people were and their relationship with her. It wouldn’t have been long before she would have been regularly asking the common question, “When am I going home”?

These were the main factors that told me that this move was the “right time” for this family.  All the emotions of doing the move to a care home would have been inevitable. It did not matter if the date would have been pushed out a few more months. This way, everyone’s health would be better taken care of and they could slowly begin to adjust to their “new normal.” It is equally important that Mom is receiving the appropriate support that she now needs. They can salvage and maintain the loving family relationship that had been unfairly strained by the demands of being a family caregiver. Overall, the timing and the logistics for this move, seemed to have fallen into place for this family and their situation.

Making The Right Decision

In the days to follow, I received reports from the care home staff indicating that Mom was settling in well and she was making new friends. This news brought on many sighs of relief and was reassuring to everyone! It helped to validate that it was the right thing to do and that she was going to be fine in her new surroundings.

If you’re caring for someone with dementia and are not sure if a move to a care home is the right thing to do. Or if you want to know when the right time may be, first of all, I want you to know that you are not alone. Whatever you are feeling or thinking or are going through…know that many other families can relate. As a Dementia Consultant supporting families now for over 20 years, know that I would be happy to speak with you as part of our free 20-minute phone consultation.

Every situation is different and plans will need to be personalized to strive for the best outcome.

I also facilitate a weekly virtual Family Caregiver Support Group. This is where family caregivers can join to connect with others, vent, share, ask questions and seek solutions. Families are welcome to join our Facebook Dementia Solutions Community to gain access to our weekly online support group. You do not have to journey alone.

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