Can you imagine yourself as you were before you had a family? Before you had children? Before you became a mom or dad? Before you retired? Can you imagine yourself, as you were, when you were young? That’s how Jade often sees herself. Even though she’s an older lady with a family, is retired, and has a wonderful and caring daughter, Sally, whom she lives with, some moments, she doesn’t remember she’s a mother, or retired. In fact, she often becomes confused when her daughter calls her mom. She thinks she has to go and get her own mother. This is common for the later stages of dementia.
Jade’s disease makes her tired very quickly, but she’s able to walk. She becomes very confused, especially in the evening. This is often the time when she wants to “go home”.
Jade’s daughter Sally is always on the lookout to make sure Jade isn’t up and walking away. The minute Jade walks over to the door to leave, Sally used to run over to say, “Mom, where are you going? Come back inside; there’s nowhere you need to be right now.” To which, Jade used to retaliate and sometimes would just start hitting and slapping her daughter away.
When I came into the picture to help the family, Sally had mentioned that, there were times when her mom looks at her and doesn’t seem to recognize me as her daughter, or starts to talk about needing to see her mom. I knew, most likely in her stage of dementia Jade had forgotten that she was a mom. I asked Sally to instead of calling Jade ‘mom’, to call her by a term of endearment she liked. Sally now often calls Jade ‘sweetie’, and since Jade is comfortable with this, it has made a difference.
In many cases like this where someone wants to leave, it is best not to obstruct them. Instead of the instinctual comments and actions of stopping someone from leaving their home (as this can lead to aggressive responses), make them feel they are the ones in charge and making their own decision. You could try to say, “Oh, ok sweetie, let me come with you just to make sure you are safe.” After a few moments on the walk, start talking about something interesting to them which may be the conversation that will distract and eventually lead them back inside.
In Jade’s case, when she saw that it was dark out, Sally used the trigger word “midnight,” to make Jade think it’s too late to go anywhere. Midnight has a very strong connotation of being late, dark, cold, less than safe in public, and not a time to go for an outing.
In another situation, we determined that the reason why Jade wanted to leave was because she thought she had to go to work. On this evening, I got on the phone with her to say, “Hey Jade, you’ve been working so hard, you need to take the day off. I will speak with the boss and let them know, so go get some sleep and thank you so much for all you have been doing.” (Therapeutic Reasoning™) Jade seemed very pleased at this point on the phone to know that she was appreciated at work.
The important thing to understand is, moments matter and they will all be different. There is not a one-time solution explanation or distraction. Thinking on our toes is important. Put on your detective hat, to determine why they are behaving this way and then put on your creative hat to come up with solutions to your situation. Always avoid upsetting the person with dementia. The goal is to make them feel they’re in control and making their own decision even though suggestions can come from you.
It won’t help to try to convince them of our reality, you must go to their reality. If you’re having trouble understanding or helping them live in their reality better, please feel free to call for help: 778-789-1496.
Karen 🙂
Karen Tyrell, CDP, CPCA
Personalized Dementia Solutions
www.DementiaSolutions.ca
