“Penny” and “John” have been married for many years. When Penny was diagnosed with dementia, John became her primary caregiver. She remains relatively independent and mobile, but she also has a condition called “anosognosia.” This means she is unaware that she has dementia. Penny is not “in denial.” She genuinely cannot recognize that anything is wrong, even when it’s clear to others.
Although Penny doesn’t need much physical assistance, caring for her requires John’s full-time attention. The combination of dementia and anosognosia has made his role increasingly challenging, mentally, physically and emotionally. As Penny’s needs grow, John realizes he must also prioritize his well-being. For the past year, his physical health has been declining. After much thought, he decides to explore moving himself and Penny into a private long-term care home—somewhere they both can receive the support they need while still maintaining their independence and quality of life.
However, a new challenge arises: How can he help Penny adjust to her new home and prevent her from asking to go back to their old home where they lived for over 30 years?
“I don’t belong here!” – Penny’s First Days in Her New Environment
As anticipated, Penny’s first days at the care home were difficult. Because she has anosognosia, she could not understand why she needed to move. To her, nothing was wrong—she felt just as capable as ever, so being in a place where people “assisted” her made no sense.
Each morning, Penny woke up confused, wondering why they weren’t at home. When they reassured her that she was safe and in a good place, Penny became frustrated. “I don’t belong here!” she insisted. “There’s nothing wrong with me!”
A Creative Solution Rooted in Love and Purpose
John’s adult children reached out to me, searching for a way to help Penny adjust. Before dementia, Penny thrived on helping others and taking charge. Most of all, she loved John deeply.
Instead of focusing on Penny’s resistance, we leaned into what mattered to her—her sense of purpose and helping her husband, John. We approached the situation with a simple yet creative solution: John would give her flowers and a thank you card saying how grateful he was to her for moving into the care home with him to help him get the support he needs. This way, the card would be a constant reminder to her as to why they were living there now.
Penny loved the kind gestures from her husband! Without hesitation, Penny embraced her new role. She was there with John, not as a resident who needed daily care, but instead as a loving wife supporting her husband’s well-being. In the process, something beautiful happened—she started socializing, making friends, and feeling more at home. Her children also showed their appreciation towards their mother for her unwavering love and support for their father. Penny was no longer resisting; she was thriving.
Meanwhile, John finally found the support he desperately needed for housekeeping, laundry, and meal support. He no longer felt the crushing weight of caregiving alone. Instead, he delighted in seeing his wife happy, engaged, and surrounded by new friends.
Dementia does not erase a person’s need for purpose. When we take the time to understand their reality, we can find creative ways to support them without taking away their sense of self. Penny’s story reminds us of this. She did not need to be convinced to stay in the care home—she needed a reason that made sense to her. By seeing her role as helping John, she found comfort and meaning in her new surroundings.
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DISCLAIMER:
This article is based on a true story; however, names, locations, and certain events have been altered to protect the privacy and confidentiality of the individuals involved. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
The contents of this blog are provided for information purposes only. They are not intended to replace clinical diagnosis or medical advice from a health professional.
